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Transgender Trapped, Suffocated, Depressed

I was born a male, I started living as a female when I was 19 years old and I had a sex change when I was 30 years old. I’ve now been living as a transgender woman for 28 years and I fully regret this. Nobody can change genders. Being transgender is impossible! Being transgender is delusional! Being transgender is a mental illness! It was only once I finally had the surgery, that I realised it was the wrong thing to do. It was a very wrong thing to do — to cut of my male anatomy.

The fact of the matter is that 40% of the people who attempt suicide are people who regret being transgender. My name is Rene Jax, I am an author and I’ve written three books to do with transsexuality. I was born male, grew up in a conservative republican family, my alcoholic father was absent most of my childhood, my mother was mentally ill, the childhood was so troubled and traumatic, that in retrospect, I am able to realise there was no way, I was getting out of childhood as ‘normal’.

The one memory that sticks out in my mind, is just how much I hated my penis. When a normal individual takes a shower, they are there to get clean, but every time I had to take off my clothes, everytime I went to the bathroom, there was no escaping the fact, that I wasn’t a girl and that I was a boy. By the time I left High School (I was 18), I was crossdressing most of the time. A couple of years later, at 20, I ended up in San Francisco which had a very small gay community and I made the decision by the time I was 22, to live full time as a female.

Soon, I started dating men and passed as a female with flying colours. The whole question of are you a transsexual or are you a woman, came into play. In my mind, I was always a woman. I was wanting to date, but I was not being honest and not telling the man that I was dating, about my penis. When they found out, the men usually became violent. There were a couple of instances, where I was beaten very badly.

At 22, the main milestone was finding a doctor who would give me the hormones. If a doctor gave me the female hormones, my life would be perfect, but it doesn’t stop there. Then you think, if I can only get my male voice slightly higher, that will make me happy. When you’ve done that, you think, the next thing thing is if I can get breast implants, that’s all I need, but it’s never enough. Finally, if you have gone through the therapy and you can convince a doctor to start cutting on you, you go ahead and have a sex change. I had my sex change in 1990 and in the back of my mind, I thought it would be lacking like all the other stuff I had done, but I was hoping that surgery would make me feel complete.

I never had the full ability to have intercourse, because the vagina that the plastic surgeons make you is so small, that anytime I tried to have intercourse, it was extremely painful and it didn’t happen. These surgeries are nothing more than plastic surgery. The phallaces that they create for females to males, were also really hideous looking. I had several female to male friends and it was horrible! The sex change didn’t solve anyone’s discomfort.

Doctors who are honest will always say the gender dysphoria remains and it is because of mental confusion, it is not about your anatomy. In your head, you simply don’t like yourself.

Being a freak in society, being a social pariah, is not the way you want to live. It is the isolation that drives you to despair and yes, suicide is then a big thing. I can remember the exact day when I first thought about committing suicide. It’s everyday. The first time was right before the surgery in 1990 and the only thing that kept me from killing myself was because, I am a coward at heart.

By the time I was in my mid-40s, I was diabetic and depressed. I am 60 years old now and there is no reason for me, after a lifetime of being in transition, to start living and dressing as a man. There is no benefit in it for me. There is a benefit though, in my standing before an audience of young kids and kids in college, who are considering this path. I am saying to them, learn from me, I am the real deal. I started living as a woman when I was 20, I’ve lived 40 years of my life, I’ve had breast augmentation and had genital surgery, I’ve had 40 years of hormones, I have had all of it, but it has not made my life any better. It did not solve the problems and troubles that plague me.

Worse still, it’s akin to — you break your left leg, so you go into the doctor’s office and under the transexual rule of medical treatment, they basically tell you, this is your new normal and then they go ahead with breaking your right leg too.

E378 – Transgender Trapped, Suffocated, Depressed –

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